FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW9 Team of the Weak

Welcome to FPL Stats of Shithousery- GW9 Team of the Weak.

Blog written by @HinduMonkey, do follow him on Twitter.

FPL Stats of Shithousery presents

FPL GW9 Team of the Weak

Let us not stand on ceremony. Let us reach into the embers of my wildcard and burn ourselves on the molten ash of volcanic excrement that was its creation.

This one is going to hurt.

WARD – 4.0 – LEI

With news leaking that Danny Ward retains his place in net tonight, I have no hesitation in instantly restoring him to the Team of the Weak, in anticipation of yet another David De Gea in big matches sponsored horror show.

Over to you Danny boy.

Further Read: FPL GW9 Review- Key Stats and Notes

FPL GW9 Team of the Weak ~ Defenders

MALACIA – 4.5 – MUN

Dragged at half time some 4 goals down, Malacia was so out classed he was basically sent back to Nursery to learn how to wipe his own bottom.

England supporters may be entitled to ask where is this Phil Foden for the national side.

VVD – 6.4 – LIV

Where once stood the greatest defender in the league, now lies a fallen hero. A god whose cracks are now so prominent as to be made entirely of lego, smashed into pieces by a rampant toddler.

“The descent into Hell is easy… but to climb back out again, that’s the rub” – Virgil

REAM/TOSIN – 4.5 – FUL

For shame lads. For absolute fucking shame.

In 90 minutes, they managed BETWEEN THEM to not even ATTEMPT a tackle, let alone succeed in one.

Zero blocks, zero interceptions and won not a single header.

They should be tarred and feathered.

Lambs dressed as cuddly fucking lambs.

FPL GW9 Team of the Weak ~ Attackers

MCTOMINAY – 4.9 – MUN

It’s great that Man Utd bought Casimiro for £60m so he could sit on the bench in massive away games whilst we play Scott McSauce for absolute lolz.

He offered the defensive protection of a field mouse when faced with a hurricane.

He is a preposterously average football player.

MOUNT – 7.6 – CHE

It’s now 10 hours since Mount last scored for Chelsea, a team who have looked consistently better every time he has left the pitch.

It is actually incredible that he remains first choice for club and country. He is a bigger fraud than Charles Ponzi.

He is stealing a living.

SINISTERRA – 6.5 – LEE

6 goals in 5, a return every 50 minutes; sublime for his country over the international break and returning claiming he was ready to deliver for his club.

Sinisterra instead got sent off for the footballing equivalent of throwing a rattle out his pram.

An absolute mucus-eating clown shagging putrid waste of flesh.

BAILEY – 4.7 – AVL

People STILL own Leon Bailey. Not only that, people played wildcards and bought him BACK.

Generally useless throughout, this reprehensible nose picker was booked and dragged for an early rest yet again.

You have nobody to blame but yourselves.

SALAH – 12.8 – LIV

Nothing is working for Mo Salah in front of goal at moment.

He isn’t being found when he’s free, he isn’t cutting in and finding the corner, he’s not jinking past players in the box, he’s not getting any penalties.

It’s almost as if he signed a new contract. And gave up.

Ooops.

MITROVIC – 6.9 – FUL

Putting his body on the line for his country, sadly the Serbian bodyguard could not quite extend the same courtesy for his club, who pay his wages. Limping off after barely half an hour much to the horror of his new owners.

THE WOLVES ATTACK

Wolves have had 75 chances this season and scored 3 goals. A conversion rate of 4%.

Incredibly, they sit 6^th in the table for chance creation – above Chelsea, Man Utd, Brighton and Leeds.

They are basically an entire team of Shane Long’s… and I don’t understand how this is still being allowed to continue.

SUMMARY

Wildcarding into a GW rank of 9m and tripling ones OR takes skill. Spending all week promoting Solanke, who plays for a team who create less than Wolves and shoot just as badly was possibly a risk.

I’d like to say I’ve learnt my lesson. But I’ll fucking do it again next week.

One love. HM.

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