FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW21 Team of the Weak

Welcome to FPL Stats of Shithousery- GW21 Team of the Weak.

Blog written by @HinduMonkey, do follow him on Twitter.

Whether paralyzed by fear or physically unable to make your own decisions, let’s dive the fuck in and see who chewed us up and spat us out this week.

FPL GW21 Team of the Weak

SANCHEZ – 4.6 – BRI

Zero saves in a 2-all draw, off an xG of less than 1, in a match in which his team had 65% possession. 

Yup, it’s another Robert Sanchez masterclass. A man who throws away clean sheets with the reckless abandonment of a hotel that caters exclusively for sex parties.

FPL GW21 Team of the Weak ~ Defenders

SHAW – 5.2 – MUN

Whatever the tactic for Bukayo Saka was, refusing to tackle him and backing off like Chris Pratt to a Velociraptor obviously didn’t fucking work.

Shaw showed his England teammate more respect than a knight of the realm and paid the price. 

KILMAN – 4.4 – WOL

Like a pond skater stuck in a puddle in a winter freeze, Kilman and his defensive colleagues had little answer for the ruthless simplicity of Erling Haaland.

A header, a penalty, a tap-in from an error. If you let children feed the goat, he’s going to feast.

WHITE – 4.7 – ARS

Clean sheet and bonus when he’s marooned on my bench, literally dragged at halftime, and booked when I need him to come on. 

Rashford made him look like a pissed-up Windy Miller from Camberwick Green.

Fuck off you claymation shitpuddle.

TARKOWSKI/COADY – 4.3/5.0 – EVE

Take two decent defenders, add Frank Lampard and Everton football club… and watch them turn to absolute shit.

Only Brentford and Spurs have conceded more central chances since these two were paired together, and only Fulham boast a worst xG conceded.

Wait, Spurs?

But Eric Dier is amazing.

conteout

FPL GW21 Team of the Weak ~ Attackers

MARCH – 5.1 – BRI

Instantly suffering from the FPL syndrome known as “too many morons have bought me” – Solly March failed to cash in on his newfound fame and instead missed 3 clear chances and reverted back to the shooting he’s shown for the entire of his previous career.

MOUNT – 7.5 – CHE

Call me a cynic, but for me, the central creative asset for Chelsea Football Club should be averaging a return a bit better than every 5 hours. More so when the club have spent a billion pounds on attackers for him to pass to.

Stealing a wage worse than Nadhim Zahawi.

ANTONY – 7.3 – MUN

Since arriving at Old Trafford, Antony has created just 8 chances for his teammates at a rate of one every 103 minutes.

Jadon Sancho, who was apparently playing so badly we sent him off to Bobby Charlton’s Soccer School, was creating one every 51.

An £80m footballer who can’t pass the ball. It’s a bold strategy Erik, let’s see if it pays off for you.

WILSON – 7.1 – NEW

The Newcastle number 9 now hasn’t scored in 6 appearances. 

Granted the impregnable Toon don’t exactly create chances at will, indeed without Tripper they’d probably have to shoot from the halfway line.

But you do need to score free headers from 5 yards Calum.

CALVERT-LEWIN – 7.9 – EVE

Completing just 50% of his derisory 16 attempted passes, it’s almost hard to imagine at this point something more useless than a Calvert-Lewin 

He’s just a drunk wandering around the pitch trying to find somewhere private to take a piss.

Before wetting himself.

GAKPO – 7.9 – LIV

Poached from the alleged noses of Manchester United, Cody Gakpo has fitted seamlessly into his new life as a misfiring Liverpool attacker. 

He has had 8 attempts already, 6 in the box, and has not come close to scoring any of them.

At least we don’t even give Weghorst chances. 

Summary

Another 10 days off now. Praise the absolute Lord.

Manchester Utd have 17 games until their alleged double with Palace and Leeds. Will that stop casual fish fuckers from bringing in their assets now? No. 

But Christ… at least they’re not part of the circle-jerk club.

One Love. HM.

Further reads from ALLABOUTFPL ahead of FPL GW22

Confirmed & Likely FPL Double Gameweeks From FPL GW22
Top FPL GW22 Differential Picks to Consider Ahead of Deadline
Comparison of Best FPL Triple Captain Options in FPL DGW22/23
FPL Gameweek 22 Transfer Tips: Two Players To Buy, Hold & Sell
FPL GW22 Tips & Preview – Breaking Down Key Dilemmas(Includes Cancelo Replacements)
FPL Double Gameweek 22 Players To Target | FPL DGW22
FPL GW22 Scout Picks with Stats and Justification
GW22 Predicted Lineups, Injury News, Press Conference updates for all 20 teams
FPL GW22 Wildcard Guide- Best Drafts, Key notes and Players to consider
FPL DGW22 – Best FPL Budget Midfielders/ Almiron Replacements
FPL GW22 Ultimate Guide: Tips, Differentials, Captaincy & More
FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW21 Team of the Weak

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