FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW14 Team of the Weak

Welcome to FPL Stats of Shithousery- GW14 Team of the Weak.

Blog written by @HinduMonkey, do follow him on Twitter.

And so here we fucking are again. Another week of complete and utter horseshit unless you tripled up on Wilson, Almiron and Reiss Nelson.

My season has more red arrows than the fucking air force.

Let’s dive in.

FPL Stats of Shithousery presents

FPL GW14 Team of the Weak

KEPA – 4.5 – CHE

Conceded 3 goals from 3 shots and then got injured. After a hallowed few weeks this was a fall to earth like a bad David Bowie movie.

Now unlikely to be seen again until a random penalty shoot out. Which he’ll make all about him.

FPL GW14 Team of the Weak ~ Defenders

COOK – 4.4 – BOU

Playing Steve Cook in a Premier League match should carry a prison sentence. After getting a win against Liverpool, now the worst team in the Premier League, this was back to the slop the faithful have been served up for much of Cooper’s reign.

Cook… less well done, more half-baked.

CUCURELLA – 5.1 – CHE

Since Potter moved to Chelsea, the man who preceded him in making the journey has now completed just a single match. He has been subbed early 4 times in a row.

Either he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Or Potter doesn’t.

He drew Slytherin… didn’t he.

TAA – 7.2 – LIV

On this form England could lose another 5 right backs and Trent still wouldn’t be on the plane to Qatar. A personification of the entire team, he looks bereft in attack and woeful in defence.

If he was a painting, he’d be drawn in crayon by a toddler.

LENGLET – 4.8 – TOT

Lenglet has started 5 times this season and not kept a clean sheet in any of them. Spurs recovered well at Bournemouth, but not before sleepwalking to a 2-0 deficit.

It’s clear that Conte has his favourites in his first XI… and after this, it’s clearer than ever why.

He played about as well as a piss-stained clarinet

MINGS – 4.3 – AVL

No stranger to these shores, primarily because he is to defending what Winnie the Pooh is to dieting.

Mings was wretched against Newcastle, making an attack that features Joelinton and Almiron look like Barca circa 2008-2012

He can’t play for England Please.

Further Read: FPL GW14 Team Wise Review With Key Stats & Notes

FPL GW14 Team of the Weak ~ Attackers

JWP – 6.3 – SOU

Saints are 17^th and their captain hasn’t returned a goal or assist in 10 weeks. They look to be faintly fading from the division at the same rate that JWP’s England chances are.

Lacking a natural holder to play alongside him, the return of Lavia cannot come fast enough.

ZAHA – 7.6 – CRY

The FPL equivalent of a dildo whose batteries are broke every time you go to use it, and then wakes you up in the middle of a night going fucking crazy Han style stuck in a rammel drawer.

The sort of lover who would suck himself off and then tell you he’s tired.

Complete prick.

GORDON – 5.4 – EVE

Everton are so toothless away from home they’re basically a Pangolin.

You’re wondering what a Pangolin is, aren’t you?

Right here you go. Look at it? That’s basically Everton. Defensive as fuck and just curls up in a fucking ball rather than try and mount an attack.

MITROVIC – 6.9 – FUL

Missing more chances in one match than he had all season, this was a calamitous, kamikaze performance of pumped up excrement from the Serbian frontman.

Like a thresher shark let loose on an abandoned skuna whilst his mates are sitting down at the table for mackerel

SCAMACCA – 6.7 – WHU

Booked in the first half for a cynical tackle, he then proceeded to drop kick Martinez and only avoid a red card because he’s four foot two.

In between wandered around like some rando who had just arrived in LA expecting an acting gig because his cousin once told him he had nice eyes.

Further Read: FPL GW14 Team Wise Review With Key Stats & Notes

SUMMARY

Own any of them? Welcome to Hell my friends. The good news is there are only two bastard red arrows left until Christmas.

If that doesn’t fill you with the spirit of Nat King Cole, nothing fucking will.

Take me back to Northern Ireland.

One love. HM.

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