FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW4 Team of the Weak

Crash, bang, wallop… what a fucking shitshow for Salah captainers in FPL GW4. I’ve been camping with goats and chickens this weekend and surviving on pure vibes, so let’s dive the hell in and do this the old-fashioned Garth Crooks way. Blog written by @HinduMonkey, do follow him on Twitter.

Link to all our FPL GW5 blogs including Fixtures/Players to target, Wildcard Drafts, Differentials, Captaincy metrics, Transfer trends, Watchlist and more. Completely free to access as well!

FPL GW4 Team of the Weak

WARD – LEI – 4.0

1, 1, 1, 1 – sadly not a binary equation, but the guttural scores to date of Daniel Ward. A keeper who is making Kasper Schmeichel look like Peter Schmeichel. Ward and his travelling circus somehow conspired to lose to a team who played with 10 men for over 2/3 of the match.

At this point, it’s literally worth a minus 4 to remove him.

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Do vote in the captaincy poll for this week below. The captaincy metrics blog from @AK_FPL1 will be posted based on the votes. The metrics had a 30/38 record last season and so far has a 4/4 record with Haaland topping the metrics in GW4 and returning with 34 points.

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FPL GW4 Team of the Weak ~ Defenders

STONES – MCI – 5.4

An utterly calamitous first half performance from Stones, who has now helped the previously impregnable City backline concede 5 goals in just 2 matches since he returned. Own goal to boot. Utter clusterfuck at the back. Pray for Southgate.

In Garth Crooks Team of the Week.

MEPHAM – BOU – 4.5

Booked, conceding 9 and posting a mythical minus 4 in FPL points. This was an astonishing display of excrement by Bournemouth at the back. They didn’t simply hoist the white flag… they all bent over, lubed up and planted it squarely in their a…nd you get the idea.

CASH – AVL – 4.8

Zero clean sheets, zero returns… Big Man Bakar told us to avoid Villa at the start of this season. Did you listen? Did you fuck. Random lasses from Scandinavia owned him because of his fucking haircut alone. I’d laugh but they still have more fucking points than me.

COOK – NFO – 4.5

Not content with somehow avoiding getting sent off, Cook made zero tackles, zero clearances and just a single block against Spurs. Nominally a centre back. His heat map suggests he joined me camping this weekend, rather than actually trying to defend his own box.

FPL GW4 Team of the Weak ~ Midfielders

GALLAGHER – CHE – 5.7

Dreadful in the last match, and lasting just 28 minutes here before being sent off for two rash tackles. N’Golo Kante he fucking ain’t. 

Palace are now trying to buy him back, so one suspects that will be it for him. Another successful sell on fee for the Chelsea youth academy. 

What a club.

MOUNT – CHE – 7.8

Lasting only 20 odd minutes more than Gallagher, his owners may wish he’d been sent off to ensure there was absolutely zero temptation whatsoever to keep the useless donkey dunker.

A titanic titmouse of grandiloquent proportions. Money Mase is an almost perfect analogy of our country right now. 

Broke as shit.

SALAH – LIV – 13.0

People think Sutherns and AZ had a bad time. Imagine being camping with no signal and checking the scores at 6pm to show Liverpool 9, Bournemouth 0 – as a Robbo owner and Salah captainer. 

Like a kid on Christmas Eve… waiting to open up a box of fucking Anthrax.

COUTINHO – AVL – 6.7

Averaging 55 minutes per match with zero returns… I don’t want to say “Lil Phil” took the permanent contract and ran… because he may as well have taken the permanent contract and fucked off to Timbuctoo for all the fucking use has been.

A tower of feculence.

FPL GW4 Team of the Weak ~ Forwards

JESUS – ARS – 8.2

Since his monster haul in week 2, the former son of God turned very naughty boy, has more yellow cards than attacking returns. Sure, he looks lively… but he ALWAYS looks bloody lively. 

That’s like saying @SebWassell “looks” to be causing trouble. 

More controlled drone, less drunk dog on heat vibes please Gabriel. 

TONEY – BRE – 7.2

Should it though…

SUMMARY

What’s that? Games again tomorrow? Oh for fucks sake, can’t we have another week off to discuss whether the returns of Rodrigo are sustainable and laugh at those who have spunked their wildcard up against a reflective wall?

No? Right… fuck it… for England James.

One Love. HM.

See you next week, do drop me a follow on Twitter @HinduMonkey.

Further reads from ALLABOUTFPL ahead of FPL GW5

FPL GW5 Differential Picks To Consider Ahead Of GW5 Deadline
Top FPL Gameweek 5 Captain Picks Based on Analysis & Metrics
FPL GW5 Preview: Breaking Down FPL Dilemmas for Gameweek 5
Predicted GW5 Lineups of All 20 Premier League Teams
FPL Gameweek 5 Transfer Tips: Two Players to Buy, Hold and Sell
FPL GW5 Scout Picks | FPLDaggaFC & AllAboutFPL
FPL GW5 Ultimate Guide: Tips, Differentials, Captaincy & More
FPL GW5 Wildcard Team & Drafts to Consider | Wildcard Guide
FPL Stats Of Shithousery | GW4 Team Of The Weak

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