FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW1 Team of the Weak

As the dust settles on the first gameweek of the season, we cast our eye across those who let us down. Those who hurt us.Those… who were complete and utter excrement. Let’s dive in. Blog written by @HinduMonkey, do follow him on Twitter.

Link to all our FPL GW2 blogs including fixtures to target, predicted 11, differentials, captaincy metrics, transfer trends, and more. Completely free to access as well!

FPL GW1 Team of the Weak

WARD – 4.0 – LEI

This was never a good idea, was it? Leicester haven’t been a good defensive side for a while now and buying into that, no matter how cheaply, is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Next predicted to keep a clean sheet in 2023, just get rid now and save yourself the pain when he’s inevitably 3.9m.

GW1 Team of the Weak ~ Defenders

DALOT – 4.5 – MUN 

A man who is to the art of defending what my 18-month-year-old neighbour, who eats crayons and shits himself twice a day, is to the fucking Louvre. 

He has the positional sense of fucking driftwood.

How the actual fuck is he even in this league, let alone at Manchester United. A complete laughing stock.

MARTINEZ – 4.5 – MUN

We enjoy a Utd double-up at the back early on, just as Brighton did. The diminutive Argentinian looked nervous as fuck, gave the ball away relentlessly, and made Danny Welbeck look like fucking Lewandowksi. A shitshow.

TAA – 7.5 – LIV

Bullied all game by Mitrovic and the might of Andreas Pereira, this was a shambles from Trent, who couldn’t even get his passing boots working correctly. He spent most of the game wandering around before remembering he should probably run and try to defend.

You know, because that’s his fucking job.

SALISU – 4.5 – SOU

Kicking off the season with a 4-1 defeat and an own goal, this was a horror show from Saints at the back and the scoreline flattered them. Refusing to close players down, to track runners, to mark neither space nor the man. Jesus it could have been 10.

Or at least 9.

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GW1 Team of the Weak ~ Midfielders

BAILEY – 5.0 – AVL

Lionel Messi in the preseason, Leon Bailey come the main event… Villa floundering away from home against a fired-up newly promoted club was probably the most predictable thing that happened this weekend.

Bailey was invisible. Like a fucking ghost who couldn’t even haunt his own body.

LINGARD – 6.0 – NFO

With just 1 touch in the opposition box and looking about as creative as an angry badger, this was classic Jesse Lingard, who turns 21 for the 9^th time later this year.

Forest looked woeful here. They made Joelinton look like Ya Ya Toure and could have played for 24 hours and not scored.

MOUNT – 8.0 – CHE

Honestly the state of that heat map. The fucking state of it. It’s like when you’re shaking every last drop of wee out of your cock before a long journey but there’s nothing left in there.

Such a fraud of a player. Watch him score 19 points just as you get rid of his useless ass.

MCFRED – WHO CARES – MUN

Man Utd starting yet another season with McFred as their two central midfielders is like Rishi Sunak telling us he’s the man to fix all our economic problems… that’s he’s literally fucking helped cause.

They aren’t good enough to wear this shirt, or any fucking shirt.

There are a myriad of wide-ranging problems at Manchester United, but on the pitch, no two players have made this club more of a laughing stock over the past few years. 

It is shambolic and unforgivable that they are still there starting matches.

Eriksen did more in that role in 20 fucking minutes.

GREALISH – 7.0 – MCI

I don’t even know what Grealish does for Man City at this point. It feels like Pep is deciding to test himself by winning leagues with just 10 players because it’s too fucking easy with 11.

Cancelo is a better attacker than he is… and he’s the fullback. Complete and utter wasteman.

The metrics will be posted based on the votes. PS: The poll has been slightly slow this week, so do look at the result and then vote. The votes are updated and might take a bit to show on the screen, Apologies for the same.

GW1 Team of the Weak ~ Forwards

KANE – 11.4 – TOT

Blanking in a 4 goal win and dropping in price already… it’s all a bit… August… isn’t it Harry?

To be fair to Kane, he did boast an xG of 0.14 and touched the ball 3 times in the box. I mean Emerson Royal only got double that and he’s a oh wait I see now.

Yeah, fucking sell him.

See you next week, do drop me a follow on Twitter @HinduMonkey.

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Further reads from ALLABOUTFPL ahead of FPL GW2

Top FPL Gameweek 2 Captain Picks Based on Analysis & Metrics
FPL GW2 Transfer Trends And Best Transfer Combinations & Tips
FPL GW2 Differential Picks to Consider Ahead of GW2 Deadline
FPL GW2 Wildcard Team & Drafts to Consider | Wildcard Guide
Players in Focus Based on Stats & Eye Test Ahead of FPL GW2 
FPL GW2 Preview: Breaking Down FPL Dilemmas for Gameweek 2
FPL Gameweek 2 Transfer Tips: Two Players to Buy, Hold and Sell
Predicted GW2 Lineups of All 20 PL Teams
FPL GW2 Fixtures & Players to Target | Best Matchups | FPL Paz
Set-Piece & Penalty Takers Of All Premier League Clubs
FPL GW1 Review Based on Eye Test & Stats | FPL Trybe
FPL GW2 Ultimate Guide: Tips, Differentials, Captaincy & More
How Premier League Footballers fared as FPL Managers in FPL GW1?
FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW1 Team of the Weak

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