FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW8 Team of the Weak

Pain, pain and more pain. Let’s take a moment to examine the wretched bastards who sent us into the international break crying out in rectal agony.

Dive in. Bring a spare pair of trunks.

Blog written by @HinduMonkey, do follow him on Twitter.

FPL GW8 Team of the Weak

WARD – 4.0 – LEI

Already being considered for a Hall of Fame spot after just 7 games, Danny Ward isn’t so much a keeper, but rather somebody who stands there and watches as goals are scored.

I’m not saying he’s useless. But watching him is like eating soup with a fork.

FPL GW8 Team of the Weak ~ Defenders

WILLIAMS – 4.1 – NFO

No longer on set pieces following the arrival of 90m Morgan Dibs-White, Williams could only watch as the clubs record signing offered the threat of a small mole looking for its mother’s teat.

But seriously guys, Forest are wank. Let’s move on from this now.

COLLINS – 4.5 – WOL

Many of us have considered pole-axing Jack Grealish, so whilst I understand the actions of Nathan Collins, physically assaulting him on the football pitch was always a high-risk tactic.

Listen to Sir Alex, Nathan.

WOUT – 4.5 – LEI

New signing Wout Faes got straight into the Leicester swing of things this weekend, by being absolute fucking excrement in a complete battering.

He also, somehow, looks like the love child of Soyuncu and David Luis.

Sideshow Farquaad.

AJER – 4.5 – BRE

Winning not a single tackle, header or successful block across 90 minutes, this was an attempt at defending so basic it could have been a toddler’s Duplo kit.

Brentford continue to be the most random side in the league. Like predicting which company Big Man Bakar will promote next.

Further Read: FPL GW9 Wildcard Team & Drafts To Consider | Wildcard Guide

FPL GW8 Team of the Weak ~ Attackers

NDIDI – 4.9 – LEI

Once the bedrock of this Leicester side, few players have suffered such a drop off as Ndidi. The way he cheaply lost possession for Spurs pivotal 3^rd goal, was like watching a once prized gazelle stumble before being mauled to death by a Lion.

He’s on the fucking mantelpiece now.

BOWEN – 8.1 – WHU

Analytics FC lovechild Jarrod Bowen continued to impress his parents this weekend, posting more great stats with no returns.

 4 shots, 3 chances created, 0.43 xGI. He is more due than a general election.

And we’re not fucking getting one of those either.

JWP – 6.5 – SOU

Saints look in dire need of some help right now; and they’re not getting it from their captain, dead ball specialist and part time wing back, James Ward-Prowse.

Wandering around like a nomadic seal who’s lost the ocean, they need him to step up and re-discover the Thunder Bastard.

Indeed, let’s look at some random shit players who have a higher xGI than JWP so far this season.

Williams, Podence, Aaronson, Johnson, Soueck, Wissa, Elliot, Buendia, Xhaka, Gibbs-White, Joelinton

Oh and Bamford. Who I’m pretty sure has played for about 11 minutes.

ALMIRON – 5.0 – NEW

The performance of a drunk donkey let loose on the booze soaked promenade of Whitley Bay. There is no way that Miguel Almiron even knows what football really is, let alone possess the ability to actually play it.

If he stops running he dies.

MITROVIC – 6.9 – FUL

No returns in a 3-goal win for Fulham’s talisman. An FPL moment so classic it could be a bar of fucking Dairy Milk.

Mitro huffed and puffed but ultimately blew down nothing but the best laid plans of mice and men.

Transfer him out for Solanke.

SON – 11.7 – TOT

bUt hE Was bENchEd BEcaUSe hEs sHiT Now

Like a dagger to the heart. Like a rapier to the chest. Like a bear paw to the rectum. This was murder in cold blood to everybody who ever doubted him.

That smile.

That… damn… smile.

SUMMARY

Well there is it, read this tonight to cheer yourself up after sitting in silence for 7 hours at the Queen’s funeral.

Well done to everybody who had a good week. Unless you did it by owning Son.

In which case, I hope you get an ice cream stuck up your arse.

One love. HM.

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