FPL Stats of Shithousery | GW15 Team of the Weak

Welcome to FPL Stats of Shithousery- GW15 Team of the Weak.

Blog written by @HinduMonkey, do follow him on Twitter.

The horror. The absolute horror of it.

Hitchcock, Kubrick, Craven, Peele, Carpenter, Romero, Wan, Flanagan, Raimi, Argento, Hooper… this lot have got nothing on witnessing a season of me trying to play FPL.

Let’s dive the fuck in.

FPL Stats of Shithousery presents

FPL GW15 Team of the Weak

BAZUNU – 4.5 – SOU

4 goals conceded without a single save, the Saints stopper has still yet to keep a clean sheet this season and lies bottom of every first-choice keeper in the game. Was this really better than just keeper Fraser Forster?

He looks like a lost lamb who is waiting for the Easter dinner table.

Before going further do vote in FPL GW15 Captaincy Poll below. The metrics has a 12/14 successful returns record this season. Do vote in the captaincy poll for this week below. The captaincy metrics blog from @AK_FPL1 will be posted soon based on the votes.

FPL GW15 Team of the Weak ~ Defenders

SHAW – 4.7 – MUN

A wretched, desolate performance of reckless incompetence. You could have said that about most of Utd’s players this weekend, but Shaw was particularly bad, providing no answer to the pace and guile of Watkins and Bailey.

Jesus Luke… did you see what you just made me fucking write.

BAILEY.

CUCURELLA – 5.1 – CHE

Fading faster than the asteroid we all hope will eventually come and wipe us out from endless Tory rule, Cucurella played with the nous of a drunk rodeo clown.

For those who say they’re not sure he belongs at Chelsea’s level, it’s okay… because he’s helping bring them down to his.

CANCELO – 7.4 – MCI

Ryan Giggs with clean sheets when I don’t own him, Nani as a defender when I do, Cancelo turned a routine win into a hard-fought contest. All told, he likely cost triple City owners 20-30 points.

I’m not saying he’s as culpable as the FPL servers crashing, I’m just saying he’s a voluminous porpoise stroker who should be thrown into a bear pit armed with a sword made of marshmallow.

SENSEI – 4.5 – BOU

Less Mr Miyagi, more John Creese, Sensei has kept zero clean sheets for Bournemouth and is currently averaging conceding a goal every 33 minutes.

I mean that’s just simply terrible isn’t it.

He couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

Further Read: FPL GW15 Team Wise Review With Key Stats & Notes

FPL GW15 Team of the Weak ~ Attackers

GREALISH – 6.8 – MCI

4 goals for Manchester City at a rate of one every 10.5 hours. Miguel Almiron has matched that in his last 4 matches. Grealish is the biggest waste of money in a country that made Liz Truss Prime Minister.

He’s so crap he gives Stephen King nightmares.

MCNEIL – 5.2 – EVE

I’m still not convinced Dwight McNeil is a footballer. Most of the time I watch him, I’m convinced that Sam Beckett has just jumped into his body and is wondering where the fuck he is.

Does he even know where the goal is? Or does he just find it once a year by accident?

MOUNT – 7.6 – CHE

The lovechild of Frank Lampard and Gareth Southgate, Mason Mount once again tipped up to a big match and left it leaving behind nothing but a vacuum of ability and the stench of manure.

I still believe he should go to the World Cup. But only because somebody needs to tie Maddison’s laces up for him.

BOWEN – 8.1 – WHU

I’m not sure what this was from Bowen, but it wasn’t really a performance. If he’d been in a play, he’d have forgotten half his lines and wandered off during a key scene to take a piss.

Does anybody actually want to be in the fucking England squad?

RONALDO – 10.2 – MUN

More bookings than goals this season, this is a sad and desperate end to such a glittering career whatever your opinion of him.

I don’t love it when big players end their careers in backwater leagues, awash with amateurs, counting their money.

But if this is the alternative, you can see why.

AUBAMEYANG – 8.8 – CHE

Imagine producing a promo video mocking your old club and then… well… this.

Aubameyang was about as effective as a condom made of paper mache.

He attempted 5 passes and only made 3.

Arsenal replacing him with Jesus is the biggest upgrade since the iphone replaced two cans and a piece of fucking string

SUMMARY

I’m not sure how many more of these I’ve got in me. Being 2m and committing this much time, all be it much in jest, feels like trying to learn to swim in a vat of cow shit infested with leeches.

One more week to the World Cup and then sweet, sweet freeeeeeedom.

Take care, all of you.

One love. HM.

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Further reads from ALLABOUTFPL ahead of FPL GW16

Top FPL Gameweek 16 Captain Picks Based on Analysis & Metrics
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FPL GW16 Scout Picks | FPLDaggaFC & AllAboutFPL
FPL Gameweek 16 Transfer Tips: Two Players to Buy, Hold & Sell
FPL GW16 Wildcard Team & Drafts to Consider | Wildcard Guide
FPL Gameweek 16 Differential Picks to Consider ahead of The Deadline
Predicted GW16 Lineups of All 20 Premier League Teams
FPL GW15 Team Wise Review With Key Stats & Notes
FPL Stats Of Shithousery | GW15 Team Of The Weak
What is FPL CUP? What are the rules? | 2022/23 FPL Cup Guide

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